I remember the day like it was yesterday. I stepped on the scale for the first time in a loooong time. The number smacked me in the face. I was literally at my highest ever weight. Higher than even 9 months pregnant with an eight and a half pound baby. Awash in shame and failure, I was just so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. I had survived a grueling divorce – one of the worst stories I had ever heard about a divorce, sadly, was my own. Then, I felt my resolve bubble up inside of me. I survived that, so I can survive anything. But, I just needed to figure out the best way to lose weight.

Having tried countless diets and exercise programs, I had not really stuck to any of them long-term. But one-by-one, these deeply held incorrect beliefs about myself that I’m talking about on this post kept coming to the forefront of my brain. Maybe my thinking was wrong? Maybe I’m manifesting holding onto this weight. Is that crazy? I began to see that I was sabotaging myself by repeating the beliefs on the left side. Shifting my mindset, I believe, was absolutely critical for me to be successful at losing weight.

Mindset Shift #1: Losing weight or trying to look my best is selfish. → I deserve to feel good about myself and spend my time working towards that.

I grew up in a family where my mom and grandmother would put down my aunt, who was a nurse and an aerobics instructor. She’s “doing her own thing,” they would say. Meaning, she’s not pouring her time into her family, which is selfish of her. Mom and grandma would see a lady jogging and say, “why’s she running? She’s already skinny.” So, the message I received was: working out is selfish for women.

This belief was so buried in my subconscious that it took a while for me to dig it out. I kept sabotaging myself by not being consistent, and I couldn’t understand why. As a result, I prayed about it, meditated about it, and one day, I kept hearing my mom and grandma say the things above. I would prioritize other “less selfish” actions, like cooking unhealthy food that my family and I love or come up with an excuse to not walk, over making better choices to workout and eat better.

It was really sly, really sneaky, but when the light bulb went off, I felt armed against these negative thoughts and actions and began to prioritize my health. I shifted my mindset and recommitted to being consistent, and began to see that as I started keeping promises to myself, I began to not only feel better, but to look better too.

Mindset Shift #2: I have never really had a great body, so it’s hopeless for me. → This picture proves that I have not always been objective when it comes to how I look.

Right around the time I came to realization above, I was cleaning out my dresser and came across an old picture of me in my mid-20s. I had taken a “before” picture prior to starting a 60-day program combining healthy eating and regular workouts. Seeing myself in that picture, I explicitly remembered the day it was taken. I put on a bikini – one that I NEVER wore out of the house. I felt like my FUPA was enormous. My boobs were saggy and my thighs were huge.

But seeing it 20 years later? I was stunned. I could barely see any lower belly pooch. My boobs looked great and my thighs, while thick, had zero cellulite. Holy crap! I should have worn that bikini! I should have worn it. Every. Single. Day.

That picture smacked me in the face – all those years of feeling ashamed of my body. What an incredible waste, I thought. Finding that picture was a real blessing because I began to see that I was had some false thinking when it came to how I saw myself. I had to mindset shift and realize that there was a disconnect between how I saw my body and reality.

Mindset Shift #3: I’m ashamed of my body → I already look pretty damn good.

This was absolutely key for me, especially following on from the mindset shift above. I had to figure out a way to get comfortable with myself, here and now, at my highest weight. It felt like a daunting task. I had never done affirmations or looked at myself in the mirror winking and/or shooting finger guns, saying, “damn girl, you look good!” I felt like a complete idiot.

I struggled to find things to complement. Some days, I would say:

• You have nice eyelashes.
• Your feet look cute after that pedicure.

Other days I would have to think about how my body functioned and appreciate its amazingness.

• Thank you, lungs. You have been working hard, nonstop, since the day I was born.
• My heart, you are amazing. Thank you for all you do for me.
• My immune system – I know you are keeping me safe. Love you, buddy.

As I began to lose weight, I was able to find things that were changing for the better and I switched to appreciating those. But I started with things like in the list just above.

Finding what felt good

Another action I took – I realized that I saw other full-figured women looking good and said, “ok, what can I do to feel like a sexy, beautiful woman?” You’re going to laugh at what I came up with. I decided to start at home. I found a bunch of oversized T-shirts that I had gotten at Sam’s Club and cut out a bigger neckline, so that they would all become off-the-shoulder shirts. I’m gonna tell you, I felt like a femme fatale when I put them on. And that’s what mattered. I felt better. More confident. More sexy.

That mindset shift is what allowed me to feel good in my body, regardless of my weight.

And shapewear, I wore a lot of shapewear.

Mindset Shift #4: I am not worthy of being thin. → I deserve a body that looks and feels good.

This is an emotional one. Hooboy, I’m tearing up just writing this because there’s just so much emotion under the surface. Like many women, I have been ridiculed and shamed for my body, not just when I was overweight, but when I was thin too. It’s like we can’t win. This led to me disconnecting and living mainly in my head instead of living in my whole body.

I also recognized that some of the weight I had been carrying might have been thereto protect me. To add a layer of security between me and the outside world. This may sound “woowoo” but this resonated with me, so I started to give it attention. It’s not surprising that my weight loss halted at 40 lbs – a weight that I was at during a particularly traumatic time in my life. I believe that when I resolve that pain (at the time I’m writing this, I haven’t figured out exactly what needs healing) and begin to heal, that my body will release the rest of the weight I’m carrying. For now, I feel so good at this weight that I’m not worried about hitting a number on the scale. Mindset shift in progress.

Mindset Shift #5: I’m too old. → Am not!! I am going to be the hottest lady in the nursing home.

I feel like the MILF and cougar “rebrand” us ladies of a certain age have undergone has been nothing short of a revolution. When I was growing up, an unmarried 40-something (heck, even a 30-something) lady was looked down upon with pity and derision. Even getting married didn’t protect me. The pressure to get married and have kids as soon as possible was definitely something I felt. And once we had kids, we became these matronly, mom-jeans wearing invisible non-people whose self-worth was entirely about our little ones. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. I’m just saying I struggled with finding my own voice, getting my needs met, and I suspect a lot of other women do too.

Now? We’re badasses, a force to be reckoned with. I absolutely refuse to let my age define me. We’ve got ladies like Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock rocking out in their 50s, looking amazing. Why can’t that be you?

Once my weight started plateauing, I began to strength train. I absolutely fell in love with it, because becoming strong became more important than being the smallest I can be. I no longer use my size as my measuring stick but whether I can see definition in my thighs and arms. Joan MacDonald is my idol.

Shifting my mindset to realize that I’m still worthy of looking and feeling my best, no matter my age, was a gamechanger for me.

Mindset Shift #6: Naked? Hell no, I am never naked. → I can love and accept my body and deserve to live in it wholly.

This one follows on a bit from the “I am ashamed of my body” mindset misconception. But yes, I spent the first 45 years of my life only ever being naked in the shower for the most part, if I could help it. I always admired how the men I was involved with were always so comfortable being naked. Sadly, I was not. Now, I’m not advocating for joining a nudist colony or wearing revealing clothes, if that’s not your thing. However, I recognized that one way I could heal the shame I had absorbed about my body was to spend more time naked, accepting my body. Loving it, even.

My plan was two-fold: bathe regularly and sleep naked one night a week. There! This wasn’t about anybody else seeing me naked – this was between me and my body. I’ll be honest, at first, taking a bath almost every day (at least 5X per week) felt luxurious and selfish. But as I kept going on my journey, I looked forward to my bath time as a necessary part of my day. It allowed me to focus inward, check in with myself, and yes, spend 30-60 minutes a day in the altogether (hey, it counts!).

The daily baths also started me on my journey of self care. For more about starting your own self care routine, check out this article.

Accepting my body and loving it no matter how it looked, helped me to shift my mindset.

Mindset Shift #7: My body doesn’t work/I can’t lose weight, no matter what I do. → I know that if I support my body the way it needs for long enough, I will start to lose fat.

I remember when I became pregnant with my son. I was so amazed that my body just knew exactly what to do to support my little one. It was really the first time I felt truly proud of my body – not because I looked so cute as a pregnant lady (giggle), but because I recognized the inherent wisdom of my body.

I started to see that I had had unrealistic expectations for my body. Lose 20 lbs in two weeks? That seems totally doable! I would say to myself. I was the queen of diets and had tried them all. I’d grab a Woman’s Day or a First for Women at the grocery store and become convinced that the diet they were touting that month was “the one.” Then, I’d jump to another diet. I was unknowingly setting myself up for failure.

Recognizing that I needed to make a change, I gave myself a stern talking-to. I decided that I needed to commit to one diet and follow it exclusively for 3 months. Not one week, not 3 days. Three whole months. I looked back over my long history of diets and said, “ok, which one worked the best for me?”

To see which diet and exercise program I followed, in a forthcoming post in this series, check back with me later this week to find out the “Actions I took to lose 40 pounds.”

Conclusion

Getting my head screwed on straight was 100% the key to my weight loss journey. I don’t think we talk enough about how important our mindset is when we start thinking about the best way to lose weight. The work of eating right and working out felt less daunting because I was setting myself on the right path mentally and emotionally. I believed that I was working for my highest good, and that by filling my cup first, my loved ones would benefit.

Key takeaways:

• Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Ever.
• Find a way to feel good about yourself now. Any way you can (that’s healthy).
• Recognize your inherent worth. You already deserve to feel good in your body.
• Look for ways you might be sabotaging yourself, even if it’s subconscious, and try to correct the imbalance.
• Understand that you might not be objective when you’re evaluating yourself.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey!